Improving and deepening family and personal relationships appear on many people's lists for resolutions and things to change, because relationships are one of the things that bring joy to life. If building or maintaining relationships appear on your list, look over the following checklist to see if you're on target with these communication skills:

1. Clear and honest communication means that you engage in respectful, non-manipulative communication. This includes being accountable for your facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice--no sarcasm, no 'teasing', no sighing or grumbling. It does not allow hurtful comments disguised as "honesty" such as, "that color makes you look ill" or, "that shirt makes you look fat." Clear and honest communicators stay away from absolutes like "you always….." or "you never….".

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2. Active listening means that you fully attend what the other says (not with one eye on the person and one eye on the TV), and give feedback, after they've finished. Your feedback should briefly describe your understanding of what they said. This feedback is neutral, and doesn't include your opinion (your opinion can come after they know you've heard what they have to say).

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3. Holding yourself to the same standards that you have for others means that you hold yourself fully accountable, and don't excuse inappropriate behaviors on your part with excuses such as "I'm tired/grouchy/sick" or "Well, that's the way s/he said it!". This is especially important for parents, as kids will learn more from our actions than from what we say.

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4. Modeling appropriate behavior is to express the behavior in our own actions that we'd like to see from others. Whether this is with children, partners, work-mates or friends, modeling behavior is a very powerful tool for positive change. If your partner tends to discuss issues with one eye on the TV, model appropriate communication (when s/he wants to discuss an issue important to her/him) by turning off the TV, or putting down your work, and listening fully.

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5. Using appropriate anger management techniques includes keeping your volume moderate, voice free of sarcasm, and remaining respectful, no matter how angry you feel (no name calling or insults). Anger does not give us permission to yell, slam doors, or treat others badly. Realize that anger is a normal emotion--if you're feeling rage instead of anger you may want to get some assistance in anger management.

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6. Arguing toward solution, versus "fighting to win" means taking a cooperative stance toward resolving differences. This position helps us to keep in mind the goal of resolution, and to realize that one person in a close relationship cannot win when the other loses.

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7. Spending quality time with one another is the basis of good connection. Don't let your life go by--or those of your children--without close connection. Close connection can't happen without some quality time on a regular basis. This does not have to be 40 hours a week, but does need to happen regularly. It may be having dinner together every night, since everybody eats…and twenty minutes together is an opportunity for daily quality time. Even tired working parents--who can make use of frozen dinners, take out, store deli, or soup and sandwiches--can manage this with planning. Add a few minutes for a bedtime story, or a goodnight "check-in", and you have a really good basis for quality time.

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8. Valuing the other's activities and interests as well as your own is part of a respectful relationship. Does this mean you have to spend every weekend at Monster Truck Rallies? No. But if your partner does, you may want to consider generating some interest in what interests your partner. In a good relationship, this interest will go both ways.

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20 to 24 points: you are an excellent communicator, and your skills contribute significantly to the success of your relationships

15 to 19 points: you are a good communicator, with a strong basis for building powerful communication skills.

11 to 14 points: your communication skills are fair, and with some work, could be even better. Look for your strengths, and build upon them.

8 to 10 points: your relationships would really benefit from polishing your communication skills, since they are the basis for problem solving, as well as for sharing both joys and sorrows.

Dee Marx-Kelly is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in San Jose.  

She welcomes questions or comments, and can be reached at 408.246.3525,