What is Child Custody Mediation?

With the new year, new decade, and new century upon us, many of us are examining ourselves and our lives and looking at changes we want to make. Sometimes these changes are simple and fun. Making changes to our appearance, such as changing our hair style or the type of clothing that we wear, can be exciting. However, sometimes changes are difficult and painful. One of the most difficult and painful changes to make is ending a relationship, especially if children are involved. A break up can be traumatic for each of the adults, but it can be especially traumatic for any children involved. Some of the most traumatic events for children include death of a loved one, loss of a pet, moving, and the divorce of parents. And deciding on how to share your child(ren)’s time between each parent can certainly be a painful process.

Historically, child custody has gone from fathers literally owning their children and being able to solely decide what happens to them in almost any situation to mothers predominately obtaining custody of their children after a divorce. So, the pendulum has swung from one extreme to another, and now the pendulum is swinging back toward the middle with fathers taking more of an interest in sharing the parenting after divorce. Very often, there is disagreement about how to divide the children’s time between parents after a divorce. As a result, contested child custody cases are on the rise. This has presented a challenging problem for the justice system. In Santa Clara County, the justice system has addressed this problem by instituting mandatory mediation sessions prior to any legal proceedings. This requires that parents sit down and, with the help of a mediator, agree on as much as possible about how the children’s time will be divided. It is an approach that reduces the number of cases that actually go to trial, and it is being utilized in many other counties as well.

Child custody mediation is a process by which divorcing parents can attempt to work out a schedule for their children’s time that they both can accept. The mediator is there to facilitate negotiation, communication, and agreements while keeping the children’s best interest at the forefront. Depending upon the mediator’s training, experience, and licensing, she/he may be able to provide information on what the parents can expect if they don’t make agreements and proceed to a court hearing, or on children’s developmental needs and abilities, or on what has worked for other parents in similar situations. The mediator can provide suggestions or alternatives, but the parents are still the final decision makers in mediation. It is an opportunity for parents to maintain their role as parents in making decisions that effect their children’s lives. Upon choosing not to come to agreements either on their own or in mediation and moving the issue into court, the parents effectively turn over their decision making to strangers. And very often, when strangers make decisions for us that don’t match the decisions we believe to be best, it is difficult to buy-in to or be comfortable with these decisions. We may even be resentful. When we negotiate and make compromises to achieve agreements, we are more likely to be satisfied and to easily be able to live with the decisions. And, of course, coming to agreements through mediation is much less costly than the expense of going to court.

In addition to benefiting parents, mediation can greatly benefit children. Conflict between parents can be very detrimental to children, and the court process is by nature adversarial and often fuels conflict. In addition, it tends to create a great deal of animosity between parents at a time when children need the cooperation of their parents to support them in overcoming the difficulties, confusion, and fear that is produced by the drastic change in their lives. When parents are able to, at the very least, communicate effectively in a business-like manner without animosity or conflict around the issues of their children, the children greatly benefit. The mediation process not only accomplishes child sharing agreements but can also facilitate effective communication and possibly cooperation between parents.

Finding a mediator may feel like a daunting challenge, but, in fact, with today’s information technology, there are a number of ways. There is, of course, the telephone book, the internet, and friends, family, or co-workers who may have someone to recommend. The local family court may have a referral list. 1-800-THERAPIST or other therapy or lawyer referral services may have names of people trained to do child custody mediations. And, finally, if you are in Santa Clara County, you can call Counseling for Modern Life at 408.231.1508.

© 1999 Lori Godin, LMFT

return to home page            or, return to Change and Renewal Issue (January 2000)