What’s my space?

Establishing and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

Evelyn Solis, M.A.

• Do you ever struggle to assert your personal needs amid the daily orchestration of your family’s demands? 
• Have you felt discouraged because no one in your family notices your struggle or tries to lighten your load? 
• Have you been resentful because everyone seems to notice your hard work only when you’re too ill to cater to their every whim? 
• Is is tough saying "no" to friends, PTA committees, co-workers, in-laws? 

• Tired of feeling like everyone’s doormat?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you haven’t had a chance to define your personal limits or how to take care of your own needs/wants without feeling responsible (or guilty) for not meeting the needs of others, first. Maybe you’ve been told, ever since you can remember, that your feelings of discomfort, resentment, and hopelessness about all that care-taking were exaggerated, and to stop whining, and to enjoy being needed, and so on.  Chances are that your occasional complaints that "I’ve had enough" may have been met with disapproval, teasing, invalidation, and put-downs to the point where you've felt you had no right to complain.  If so, you've probably numbed your perception that you're being overworked. 

There’s an old saying, "good fences make good neighbors". We all accept and appreciate clearly established rules about property lines, neighborhood duties and rights, good communication between people, and not meddling in others’ business.  These rules protect us but allow us to watch out for each other, too.  We acknowledge that they are important factors in creating a close-knit community where everyone feels included, protected, valued, and respected.  We recognize that social conventions (manners) are as important as laws to keep us physically and emotionally safe. 

Strangely enough, we are not often taught to apply the same concepts to build and maintain healthy relationships within our family, circle of friends, and co-workers. In personal relationships, these demarcations and limits are called  boundaries—they are the rules, guidelines, and privileges established to foster respect for and the protection of every one’s needs and wants. Healthy personal boundaries, then, are those limits that delineate our own physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological space in relation to others.  Included within the concept of healthy personal boundaries is the importance of communicating those limits appropriately to others.  Having the ability to define, set in place, and enforce boundaries with others is what makes it possible to navigate uncomfortable situations where the needs/wants of others intersect or collide with our own.

Boundaries are partly dependent upon your relationship with the other person. In other words, it may be both preferable and easier to keep firmer, more extended boundaries with strangers and co-workers. For example, you may not want to share personal information, participate in company activities, or get caught in the gossip mill around the water cooler. On the other hand, your boundaries will most likely be more flexible and permeable with your children, but would not be as close and intimate as the boundaries with your partner.  For instance, you and your partner are likely to fully discuss how money is spent.  You may not wish to share the same level of detail with your children.  In addition, you are likely to have a limit (a boundary) about the degree of detail that is expected in your money discussions with your partner.  If your partner questions how every dollar is spent, you are likely to feel you're not trusted, and may even feel harassed.  

Unfortunately, most of us aren't taught to put forth our needs or wants clearly, assertively and appropriately; instead, we are taught in childhood to obey without questioning, to put other people’s needs ahead of our own, to "be seen and not heard", and worst of all—we’re told countless times how we "make" other people feel or that we are responsible for others’ behavior. These childhood "teachings" may make us think we don't have the right to set personal boundaries.  As a result, few of us have a clear understanding of our personal limits.  That is, we may not understand what they are (we may not have decided what they should be) or how to enforce them, assertively, without fear of offending or alienating others.  A lack of personal boundaries contributes to a number of problems, such as dissatisfaction, poor self-esteem, feeling resentful and overworked, and passive-aggressive behavior, to name a few.  

Below you'll find some strategies to help in defining your boundaries, determining how flexible you want them, and communicating your limits assertively. Some of the people in your life will catch on quickly, get out of your space, acknowledge and respect your perimeter. Others may have more difficulty hearing your statements and may need to experience some consequences to begin respecting your territory. One way or the other, you will get a reaction as you begin communicating your limits. If you find yourself stuck, feeling hopeless and defeated in this process you may want to consider seeking professional assistance from a counselor with whom you feel comfortable.  Reassurance that you have the right to set and enforce boundaries and that your boundaries are not "selfish" or extreme can be very helpful in this process.

1. Become aware of your physical boundaries

Our physical "personal space" is thought to be about three feet around our bodies in this society, yet it can vary considerably in other cultures.  Your degree of awareness of your personal space is affected by your childhood teachings and experience.  You may have a vague sense of discomfort, and not really know why, when people cross your personal space boundaries--or, you may have a very strong negative reaction that puzzles you, and seems disproportionate to the situation.  Spend some time thinking about what degree of comfort you have when others invade your space.  Think about what you've been told about boundaries in the past.

How do you feel when others invade your personal space? For example, what do you notice about your physical reaction to being in a crowded elevator, being jostled in a crowd, when your boss hovers over you, when a co-worker stands too close, when your significant other hugs you, or your kids tug at you.  Or, how do you feel when someone is too "chummy." Maybe they touch you on the shoulder, or hug you every time you meet, but your sense is that you don't have that degree of connection with them?  

  Monitor your physical reaction to such encounters by the different people in your life.  That is, how does feel differently if your significant other, your kids, your friends, your parents, your co-workers, your boss, strangers enter your physical boundary?

  When and with whom does it feel safe and when do you feel invaded?

  You may want to keep a log until you are skilled at sensing when a physical boundary gets violated.  Jot down what happened, what you felt, and what thoughts you had about it (at the time, or at a later time).

2. Become aware of your emotional boundaries

How do you determine what the different people in your life can say to you and how you feel about a certain tone of voice, various interpersonal behaviors, and non-verbal body language (non-verbal body language can be inappropriate or kind, offensive or encouraging, demanding or requesting)? When people make inappropriate, offensive, hurtful comments in your presence or direct them at you, how do you feel and react? For example, do you tend to recoil and disconnect from the other person, feeling shamed and powerless? Do you try to set a limit by exhibiting an inappropriate level of reactive anger or negativity?  Or are you able to set and enforce a limit by communicating clearly and firmly how you want to be treated? What is your definition of appropriate closeness and distance depending in the relationship context?

  Begin observing your emotional reaction to a variety of conversations, remarks, comments, requests, etc. made by others.

  Also observe how other people express and enforce emotional limits.

  Monitor how you communicate your needs and wants to others.  Do you feel uncomfortable, scared or worried about others’ response to your requests? Are you comfortable with telling people firmly and appropriately how you intend to take care of your needs?  If so, what are your thoughts, and what are you saying to yourself, when you're feeling stuck and/or uncomfortable?

3. Become aware of other boundaries (and the boundaries of others)

Our professional, sexual, cultural, and spiritual boundaries can potentially be trespassed by individuals in many different interpersonal or work-related contexts—be it intentionally, out of arrogance or ignorance, as an exercise of power, or even out of sheer malevolence. A workaholic boss may make excessive demands on your time, and violate your preferred limits around work hours and private life.  Perhaps a co-worker makes inappropriate passes at you despite repeated refusals. Maybe a neighbor has tried to convert you to his/her spiritual belief system for years (even though you didn’t invite or encourage it).  Or, a casual acquaintance may drop in on you without calling first.  A committee chairperson might pursue you to bake cookies, join a phone tree, or other activity you don't wish to do.  Or, your landlord could try to collect for damage that was present when you rented a home.    

Job-related demands on your time may be justified or necessary under certain circumstances.  Working with boundary issues until you achieve a degree of comfort can help you to approach your boss appropriately (rather than angrily or awkwardly) if you do believe it's safe to do so.  You may have to evaluate your choices and make possibly uncomfortable decisions to assert your right to a private life.  Although compromises may be necessary in the face of economic reality, no one has the right to violate your boundaries to impose their cultural perspectives, spiritual beliefs, or sexual behaviors on you—not ever, not any place, under any circumstances!

  Working to become comfortable with your right to set boundaries will help you to deal with these kinds of demands more effectively, without undue anger, and with the ability to be firm in asserting your preferences. 

  If you find yourself exposed to these types of violations, you may want to document their nature and extent, and then contact the appropriate authorities for information on your rights. Such inquiries may be made to a labor board, a legal aid society, your attorney, et cetera.

4. Communicating your limits

Begin by making a list of which behaviors, from others, you dislike and want to stop, i.e., refusing to be exposed to sexual/racial/gender innuendos from co-workers, getting neighbors who stand too close to back off, reduce and eliminate unreasonable demands by family members, or establish appropriate communication rules (that don't include put-downs).

Write down a list of messages that communicate your new boundaries in clear, appropriate, and assertive ways. For example, you might say things like,

  "You need to stop because I don’t want to hear this type of joke/comment anymore."

  "I am uncomfortable when you stand this close, please back away a couple of feet."

  "I don’t share that kind of information with co-workers."

  "I want to think about your request. I’ll get back to you by ______."

  "I am not going to drive you to the mall this afternoon because I want to finish my chores."

  "My time is allocated for this week (month/year).  You can call me again next time you have a cookie drive.  Perhaps I'll be free then."

If you find that an individual continues to be intrusive despite your boundary declaration, you may have to resort to stronger words to get your point across, or event let action follow your statements.

    "If you don’t stop harassing me I will call the police!"

   "Quit calling me "honey/sweetie/baby" NOW or I will report you to HR!"

   "You don’t seem to respect my repeated requests to stop trying to convert me, I think I’m going to contact your minister/pastor."

There are many very good books on boundaries addressing different relationships and you may find it helpful to read in-depth about strategies to build and maintain healthy limits. Additionally, find supportive, trustworthy individuals in your environment to help you practice—an adult family member, a friend, or a therapist—and remember that learning new skills takes practice, patience, and time. Reward yourself when you succeed in setting, communicating, and enforcing a healthy boundary. Give yourself gentle encouragement when you stumble—and try again.

Evelyn Solis, M.A., is a registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern (Supervised by Dee Ann Marx-Kelly, M.A., LMFT). She also teaches a ADHD parenting class at Counseling for Modern Life in San Jose. She can be reached at (408) 246-3874 ext 12. Website: www.modernlife.org.   © Evelyn Solis, M.A.

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