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Not long after we put away the Halloween decorations (and continue to peel the children off the ceiling from all the sugar they've consumed by sneaking too much candy) it's time to start planning for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Oh my God! Will life ever slow down again? Thanksgiving brings back childhood memories of delicious smells, good food, lots of family and friends--or not. It may bring up unresolved family issues, and uncomfortable memories, for many people. |
It's easy to be overwhelmed by all there is to do. When planning a feast, one often needs to begin with making a list of who to invite and what to serve. As if there aren't enough things to do in a day--along with continuing to work out of the home, getting the kids to school and after school activities, keeping in shape, buying weekly groceries, keeping the house and laundry up, feeding the dog, feeding the family, taking kids to medical appointments, and trying to find time for yourself.
Any way, back to deciding who to invite.
Once the list is completed, one might begin to think about the year before when
Uncle Tim drank too much, Aunt Rose got in an argument with Aunt Helen, and old
family dynamics began to take over t
he afternoon. What about thoughts of
those who once sat at the table but are no longer with us? The image of
baby Billy spiting his mashed potatoes all over grandpa's face and the room
falling silent pops into your head. Grandpa laughs as he wipes his face;
everyone begins to laugh with him and re-telling old stories of funny events
from the family's past. Oh, that's right! This is why we love to throw
Thanksgiving feasts and this is what family is all about!
If we take one day at a time, and separate each Holiday, you know chunk things down, we may be able to enjoy ourselves, without becoming so overwhelmed. One place to start is improving communication all around. Active listening can help. Just follow the steps below, and watch communication improve:
1. One person talks at a time.
2. Use I messages—That means make statements from the I feel position, rather than blaming othersand starting a sentence with "You did this and you're a . . . ." This causes others to become defensive. Next step. . .
3. No name calling. This includes sneaking in an insult, such as "Well, you're acting like a..."
4. Paraphrase information back to the person who just spoke, so that they know you understood. That means, say the same thing back to the person who just spoke, but in your own words. This will make them feel heard and validated.
Now that we've discussed how to improve family communication, it is very important that we continue to listen to each other and to extend this listening to others we are in contact with regularly. The Holiday Season often brings up difficult issues for many people. Some people get extremely blue or depressed during the Holidays. Maybe even to the point of needing professional help. If you think this is true of someone you know, you may want to suggest that they visit a professional, to discuss these feelings. Help for depressions is available.
© Linda Burrough,LMFT
Linda Burrough is a Licensed Marriage
and Family Therapist, practicing in San Jose. She can be reached at (408) 814-8530 or
e-mail her by clicking the mailbox link: 
return to home page or, return to November '99 Issue Holiday Stress Part I