Stress Busters!  12 Things You Can Do to Promote Less Stress in Your Life

by Dee Marx-Kelly, MFT

1.  Plan Some Time for Yourself

The idea behind planning is to get control of our time and our schedules.  I remember the little Hallmark Pocket calendars, that Moms used to carry in their purses to list important events, dates, birthdays, and so on.  Who'd have thought we'd be carrying 3-ring binders to keep track of our schedules and minute-to-minute events.  

I'm not advocating " better" (more efficient, cram-more-in) scheduling, but wiser choices.  I'm suggesting that you figure out where you can find an hour a day, just for you, as many days a week as you can.  If you're clever, you may find you don't need to rob Peter to pay Paul, but that you can use time for yourself  that you might have spent mindlessly. 

1. It might mean that you need to get up 15 minutes earlier, so that you can have a cup of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate before everybody else in the household wants this, cant find that, and needs you.  15 minutes of quiet time, reflecting on the day in a gentle way, can help you to feel rested.
2. It might mean not eating lunch with everybody else at the office, or not running out for fast food--but packing something simple for lunch--leftovers, or a turkey or chicken breast sandwich are potentially healthier than lunch spot food.  Then, with the time you save, on nice days take a brisk, ten-minute walk, and concentrate only on how you feel.  Put worries aside for later (more about this further on), and enjoy the feeling of your body moving, feel your circulation.  Take time to notice pleasant things--cloud patterns in the sky, fall foliage.  On rainy days, you may want to pack an inspirational book--there are many books of meditations, or quotes from famous people, for example.
3. Instead of a shower, you might want to take an extra 10 or 15 minutes for a hot bath--again, do something to keep your mind off worries.  Perhaps classical or new age music, or maybe candlelight will do the trick.  Just do whatever works for you.  

2.   Look for Stress Builders, and Turn Them Into Stress Busters

Sit and think!  Where are the stress points in your day?  The rush before work?  The commute?  Dinner?  Chores and homework?  Bedtime for the kids?  Consider the suggestions below:

1. Cut morning stress by preparation the night before.  Make it part of everyone's routine to choose their clothing and make sure it's ready (teens may need to prepare a couple of outfits).  Have kids put their backpacks together, and ready by the door.  If Susie or Joey always lose their shoes, have them by the backpacks and ready to go.  Get your own outfit ready, so there's no missing button on that shirt or blouse and no forgotten stain on those slacks.  
2. Manage commute stress:  most of us get stuck, or slowed, in the commute.  Make sure you compensate for the "usual" delay.  Don't fool yourself into thinking, "My commute takes 30 minutes in light traffic, so 30 minutes is my commute time."  Be realistic, and build the extra 5 or 10 minutes into your schedule.  It will save you stress every day.  
3. During the commute, realize that you're there for the duration.  Fretting won't speed up traffic (though we all wish it would, sometimes!).  Pay attention to your habits.  Do you flip on the radio to get an idea of the traffic slowdown, and then leave it on?  The fast rat-ta-tat-tat pace of the morning commute coverage may escalate your stress.  consider your reasons for listening to traffic reports.  If you live in an area where there really is a better, alternate route, then tuning in may do you some good.  For most of us, traffic reports can only tell us how long we'll be delayed.  You may want to consider finding out what you need to find out, and then TUNING out.  There are nice alternatives to listening to the traffic report. Good music--whether classical, new age, country, spiritual--name your preference--can revitalize and relax, rather than adding to your stress.  You can be one of those commuters who makes use of the commute to avoid, rather than build, stress.
4. My Aunt Verna had a rotating list of menus.  This old-fashioned idea can make sense, in that it can help you avoid the oh, wow, what-will-I-fix-for-dinner blues.  For example, Monday can be ground-round day (it's available without hormones, and 7% fat), and there are a zillion things you can make with hamburger--spaghetti with home-cooked meat, garlic and onions added to store-bought sauce will please most families, tacos, lasagna, hamburgers, and casseroles are just a few.  Tuesday could be "roast" night, whether roasting a chicken, pork loin, chateaubriand, fish, et cetera. Wednesday could be "take out" night, and so on.  The advantage is that you have less to worry about.  If you want "good, old-fashioned (complicated) meals, you can still cook those on weekends. 
5. Chores are best done in a logical way.  By logical, I mean it is best to have a time they are "due" so that both you and the kids know when they should be completed.  It works well for many families to either have a homework hour after dinner, and before TV, or to have homework done after school.  When dinner chores need to be done, some chores will naturally be done before dinner (set the table, make the salad, pour the milk) and some after.  If a child's chore is to clear the table, or do the dishes, you will find it much easier (and less stressful) to make the rule that after-dinner-chores are done immediately after--that is, before phone calls to friends, before a favorite TV show, et cetera. If kids plead "tiredness" you can remind them that these chores take no more than 15 or 20 minutes.  You'll save yourself a lot of stress if you don't have to pry them loose from the phone, budge them from in front of the TV to get chores completed.
6. Bedtime bedtimes are best accomplished if there are clear rules that both parents (or both adults, if in a 2 parent household) agree upon.  For younger kids, bedtimes become much easier to manage if there is a clear routine in place.  Start by 'warning' kids 15 minutes ahead of upcoming activities, "Bath time in 15 minutes." Some families will want a warm-milk and cookie snack.  Bedtime stories are good for settling in.  Television to go to sleep is a bad idea.  If you child can read, and is still alert after the bedtime story, you may consider letting him/her read for an extra 15 minutes.  

3.  Take a new attitude toward worrying.  If you think about it, many of us try to use worry as a preventative.  We worry about whether we'll get the flu, get the new job, or be able to afford (fill in the blank).  Worrying doesn't magically fix things, or ward of evil or illness.  In reality, worry contributes to stress, and may therefore actually contribute to more colds or flu, as stress can compromise the immune system.  So, what can you do about worrying?  How do you stop it when it has become a habit?  

You can try scheduling your worry sessions.  Seriously.  This is quite successful for some people who want to quit the worry habit.  What do you do?  

• Set aside a time each day for worrying.  How much time your set aside will depend on how much you normally worry.  You can start with 10 or 15 minutes.  It is best to schedule near the end of the day, perhaps after dinner.  

When something worrisome comes up--during the day, and at any time other than your "worry appointment," ask yourself two questions:  1 realistically, is there anything that I can do to make this better?  By "realistic" I mean something that is practical, and within you power to do. 2 if there is something you can do, ask yourself if you want to do it, and what it would cost you if you did it.  If you can do something, and want to do it, then do it.  Otherwise, you have defined a situation that is typical for "worrying,"  which means that you need to schedule it for your worry appointment.  

• When you encounter a "worry," remind yourself that you will worry about it later, at your "worry" time.  It is a good idea to write it down (on a list, or in your planner).  Remind yourself that it is not the time to worry about it now.
• Be sure to remember your worry appointment.  Get comfortable.  Have a cup of decaf coffee, tea, or other non- caffeinated beverage.  Get your list, and a pencil, and paper.  Think over the items on your list, one by one.  Not only will you save stress by dealing with worries in this way, but you will also be more productive, when you do think about your "worries," since you are more likely to problem-solve when you think about things in a planful way.  

Dee Marx-Kelly is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in San Jose.  She welcomes questions or comments, and can be reached at 408.246.3525, or by e-mail at dmk@surfnetusa.com.

Or, click the mailbox link:    © 1999 Dee Marx-Kelly

return to home page  

or, return to November '99 Issue Holiday Stress Part I                                                                                               

© Copyright 1999 through 2003 Counseling for Modern Life.  Any article may be reprinted, but must be printed in its entirety, without alteration, and must show the name and contact information for the author, in order to comply with copyright laws.