Dale Kay Lillak, LMFT

With the burgeoning use of computers at home and at work, laptops glowing on commuter flights to Seattle and dentist office waiting rooms, one thing is clear: America is plugged into the Internet.

We are shopping on the net, browsing on the net, meeting people, researching, e-mailing our Aunt Georgia in Nebraska, keeping in touch with friends from France whom we met on our ski vacation last winter. Americans are in love with the Internet! Some nay Sayers are suggesting that perhaps we are too much in love. Perhaps we are compulsive about our use of the Internet. Maybe that gnawing feeling in our gut, when the server is down or the hard drive fails, is a sign of our growing dependence on this electronic connection to the world. Is the Internet a siren’s song luring us to the cliffs of our own self-destruction? The following is an exploration of how use-of-the-net might become abuse-of-the-net, how a useful tool might become a bad habit.

The interesting thing about the Internet is the many and varied ways one might hear ones own personal sirens’ song. Is the lure meeting people in chat rooms? Is it clandestine email use? Are the porn sights the attraction? Do you fantasize about the people you meet on the net, people you would never want to meet in the flesh? Are you a gamer? Is role-playing your thrill? Are you a troll, a gnome, a beast, a fair maiden? Do you just get lost in all the people, places and things? Is your credit card at max due to Amazon.com? Do you vague-out, lose time and wake-up two hours later, five hours later? Is information your thing? Do you just drool over all those places where you can find the answer to your most troubling question? You know, like "who the heck was Mary of Guise?" What and when was the Norman invasion of Scotland? What about cybersex? What is cybersex anyway?

Are any of the behaviors listed above inherently bad or harmful? What in the world is the big deal about spending hours playing Everquest or exploring endless information trails? Did Bobby Fisher’s parents complain that he played chess for hours daily?

How do we get real about the questions:  Can the use of the Internet become addictive? Is the Internet the problem? Is the person using the Internet the problem?

This discussion will focus on fantasy, because of what fantasy is, and how fantasy works. According to Webster, fantasy is imagination or fancy; an unnatural or bizarre mental image, illusion or phantasm; an odd notion, a whim; fantasy is a more or less connected series of mental images as in a daydream, usually involving some unfulfilled desire.

We know, from studying how people solve problems that using a stream of mental images in daydreaming or fantasizing can be a potentially-creative avenue for finding solutions to questions both scientific and artistic. Fantasy is in many ways the beginning of any new invention; without imagination, how do we even get to creation? We have to conceptualize, or imagine something in order to make it real. How then could fantasy then become a problem for anyone, and in particular in connection to the Internet?

Let's imagine for a moment being a person who feels insecure around other people. Maybe we are shy or introverted. Perhaps our family of origin didn’t teach us about how intimacy works, what it’s like, and how to choose the right person for ourselves. Perhaps we had an early trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse, and now trust is painful for us.

Going further with this fantasy, let's imagine that we have discovered chat rooms and e-mail. Because we have difficulty with real people, people in the flesh, we learn that chatting on-line is far less risky and far less embarrassing. Our blush won’t be seen by any eyes. We have the choice of telling the truth about who we are or not. We can create a whole new self, so to speak, one that is daring and extroverted---if we can imagine it.

How about another fantasy? Let's imagine that we long for love, but as noted above we seem unable to choose or even meet the right person. Instead we continue to involve ourselves with people who are close to right, but not right. The relationships end, often painfully. People who cannot seem to be in a relationship or who are in painful ones, often use fantasy as a coping mechanism. We fantasize about Mr. or Ms. Right. Maybe we even know someone we fantasize about, turning that person into our idealized mate. We will sit and daydream about our last meeting with that person, the way they kissed, or talked, or laughed. Soon the fantasy is nearly as good as the real thing. The fantasy can be pulled out at any time and used to relax us or excite us. The fantasy enlivens the real person, keeping their face, the feel of their touch alive in our mind. Fantasy can fill hours of time. Fantasy can be quite addictive. Hey, we all watch Ally McBeal.

The Internet is a fantasy addict's daydream come true. It is an endless field of dreams where the words on the screen can be fantasized into Prince Charming or Cindy Crawford. The problem with this stream of mental images is that they are not real. In fact, the fantasy isn’t meant to be real--it’s supposed to remain fantasy. Just as our imagined person above, who felt safer interacting with people through chat rooms, so does the fantasizer of Mr. Right feel safer creating an endless stream of mental images. Soon it’s the feeling created by the fantasy (however created) that is sought after. Living in fantasy is not far removed from living stoned or drunk or high. None of these choices are ways to live fulfilling lives. All of these choices are escape from real life and truth.

Is a person a fantasy addict if they use the Internet as a means to elicit their fantasy or are they an Internet addict who fantasizes? Or, are the people imagined above what might be called sex and love addicts? Are they people who confuse sex with love and think that love is better experienced from afar and safe only in dreams?

Remember the Everly Brothers? More than thirty years ago, the Everly Brothers sang about a "Dream Lover" who was available ". . . anytime day or night." Back then, the Internet was just a stream of mental images in someone’s mind. Does that mean that the Internet is not the culprit? Clearly we humans have been fantasizing since before Romeo and Juliet!

The Internet is a handy tool, a useful pastime, and the bringer of entertainment and information. It has many good qualities and many bad qualities, and we are hooked on that paradox as usual. Perhaps the Internet is just another venue for the fantasy addict, another way to act out the need for connection without the risk of real connection. The Internet connection for the fantasy addict is most often hollow and unsatisfying, and may soon become just another painful reminder of their longing for love. The various routes (role-playing games, chat rooms, clandestine email buddies, pornography, cybersex) the fantasy addict may take to reach their goal (the goal being the feeling they desire) also have various rationalizations for their selection. The addicted gamer is rather different from the chat room addict, with different reasons given for the compulsion, i.e., It’s fun, challenging, current, exciting. The love addict who thrives on the fantasy lover may choose chat rooms and email as a route to their euphoric high. The porn addict gets hooked on compulsive masturbation in the privacy of his or her own home. Which form the fantasy takes is particular to the person addicted to fantasizing. The result however is most often the same. People addicted to living a fantasy existence become disconnected from others, spending hours obsessively fantasizing, even more hours spent thinking about fantasizing, only to be left lonely, depressed, and out of control.

If you are wondering about yourself and your Internet use, consider the following:

• Do you spend more time than intended on the Internet?

• Do people in your life complain about the amount of time you spend on the Internet?

• Does your job performance suffer?

• If a student, do you neglect homework?

• Do you look forward to getting to the role-playing game, or the email, or the chat room more than seeing family or friends?

• Are there problems in your life you just would rather not face?

If you are wondering about yourself and your fantasy life, consider the following:

• What do you use fantasy for?
• Is your use of fantasy for productive or creative pursuits?
• Do you vague-out in a fantasy not realizing how much time has elapsed?
• Do you neglect your responsibilities in order to fantasize?
• Has anyone in your life complained about your lack of productivity?
• Are you chronically fantasizing about someone you have never met face-to-face?
• Is your "Dream Lover" more real than any of the real ones?

There are no right or wrong answers to the above questions. The questions are meant to stimulate you thinking about your Internet use and your fantasy life.