It’s Saturday afternoon, and Joey wants to go play with his friends in the neighborhood, but his Dad and Mom are arguing---again. Joey knows that when Dad starts to get loud and Mom starts to cry something bad is going to happen. Joey, at the age of nine, already knows the outcome of this Saturday---at least he thinks he knows. Dad recently moved out of the house because he was arrested for hitting Joey’s Mom---something Joey has seen a lot of---and today he came back even though he isn’t supposed to. Joey is afraid. His little sister age five is crying too.

Joey is not alone. Joey is one of thousands of children who are exposed to domestic violence every day in the United States. Children are often the forgotten victims of domestic violence.

In Santa Clara County, looking at 51 deaths which have occurred connected to domestic violence with both suicide and homicide included in the death count: in fourteen of the 51 cases children were present at the time of the incident---either eye witnessing the death, outside the house, or in an adjacent room of the house. In another eight cases an indeterminate number of children were not present, but were the children of either the victim, the perpetrator, or both. In another five cases, the victims were children.

How does the witnessing of domestic violence affect children? Witnessing the murder or suicide of a parent has devastating consequences for children of any age. A trauma of this sort may cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), severe depression and anxiety, or psychoses. PTSD is a mental health disorder caused by a trauma outside the range of normal. PTSD is associated with combat veterans, victims of terrorist attacks, and victims of natural disasters. In recent years, PTSD has been associated more and more with victims of domestic violence of all ages. Recent studies are showing that children age five and under, who are witnesses to their mother being beaten, suffer from PTSD more severely than any other trauma victims. The symptoms of PTSD in children include: developmental delays, nightmares and night terrors out of the range of normal, exaggerated startle response, avoidance of situations which may trigger memories of the event, unwanted flashbacks of the event, increased aggression, increased separation anxiety, new fears and phobias, social withdrawal, restricted range of emotions, repetitively playing out the violence, hypervigilance, extreme irritability, and more. School age children often have problems learning, and experience problems in socialization. Adolescents from violent homes tend to abuse alcohol and drugs more than the norm, and may become violent perpetrators or victims in their dating relationships.

Why would children under the age of five experience more severe trauma when seeing their mother beaten than other trauma victims? The answer lies in the attachment of the small child to his/her primary caretaker---usually the mother. Human infants are born with a natural tendency to create a strong attachment to their mother. Because human infants are so vulnerable and require so much care, a strong attachment to their mother is important for survival. When a child of this age witnesses his/her mother being harmed, the survival attachment is in jeopardy---therefore survival of the child is in jeopardy.

The basic needs of children include: safety, trust, esteem, a sense of control/effectiveness in the environment, intimacy and connection to others. In violent homes the first basic need is not met. Without safety, trust cannot be learned, feelings of being treasured and loved are flawed, the sense of control of the environment the child requires becomes a sense of incompetence and fear, and instead of connection the child experiences alienation from others and disconnection. The child develops in a world of danger one in which he/she is vulnerable to evil and harm. Others in his/her world are perceived as not trustworthy or reliable, the world is experienced as exploiting and controlling, and the connection to other people cannot be trusted.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  If you want to help stop domestic violence donate your time and money to local shelters for victims of domestic violence: Next Door (408)279-7550, Support Network (800)572-2782, Community Solutions (408)683-4118, Asian Women’s Home (408)975-2739.

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Dale Kay Lillak is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Jose. She can be reached at (408) 260-9995; Lillak@pacbell.net  or mail her here, by clicking this link: 

©1999 Dale Lillak