Recognize the Early Warning Signs
of a Violent Teen Relationship
A teenager's first experiences with dating can be the beginning of an exciting time in his or her life. Unfortunately it can also be a frightening experience, because one in 10 teens experience violence in a dating relationship.
Elaine Alpert, M.D., of Newton, a national expert on family violence issues and chairman of the Massachusetts Medical Society's Committee of Violence, says, "It's not a taboo subject anymore. More people are willing to come forward and talk about their abusive relationships."
Violence can take several forms, including emotional torment and humiliation, verbal abuse, sexual assault and even deadly physical assault. The pages of today's newspapers are replete with many tragic examples of what can happen when these relationships sour.
That is why it is critical for teens and their parents to know how to recognize a potentially violent relationship early, and what to do if a relationship turns violent.
Most violent relationships are very complex and defy easy solutions, but violent relationships among teenagers are even more complex. "It's harder for teens to recognize violence in their own relationships," Dr. Alpert says. "They don't have a lot of experience in relationships. Much of their information about relationships either comes from other teens and is unreliable, or they get a distorted view through TV, movies or music videos."
"It's also harder for them to talk about their feelings, because of the teen's natural and normal wish to be an independent person. That makes it harder for them to reach out to adults when they run into trouble," Dr. Alpert says.
What are the early warning signs of a possibly abusive relationship?
- One partner pushes for the relationship to get serious very quickly. Pressure for sex can also be an early warning sign.
- The partner is jealous and possessive. Teens should not confuse jealousy with love.
- The partner views the relationship as a power struggle. This behavior can take the form of being bossy, insisting on making all the decisions or refusing to take the partner's opinions seriously.
- The partner employs verbal and emotional abuse, yells, manipulates or spreads rumors. Also, an abusive partner may indulge in guilt trips, such as, "If you loved me you would . . . ."
- Apologies about abusive episodes. Apologies often appear genuine, but the behavior usually recurs and grows worse with time.
Parents should watch for:
- Physical bruises or other signs of injury. Be alert to sudden changes in clothes or makeup.
- Failing or withdrawing from activities in school. Abusive partners take a great deal of energy to deal with and victims spend much time trying to make the relationship work.
- Social isolation. The friends of an abused teen are confused, don't know what to do and stop being friends with the victim.
- Difficulty making decisions.
- Use of alcohol or drugs.
- Pregnancy. Studies show that 70 percent of pregnant or parenting teens have been beaten by their partners.
What can a parent do?
Dr. Alpert says that teens respond best to a loving, light approach and don't accept a parent's intervention if the parent is judgmental and controlling. "One way to approach the teen is to ask more questions that require open-ended answers. That way, it is easier for a parent to provide love and guidance, and lead the teenager to make her or his own good decision," she said.
For example, it is counter-productive to put down the abusive partner, because the teenager may interpret that statement as a judgment about his or her own character and judgment. It would be better to point out how unhappy the teenager seems to be since he or she has been involved in that relationship.
What can teens do?
If it feels scary, it's abuse. "If something doesn't feel right, it's probably not OK," Dr. Alpert says. "It's all right to say No. No one can tell you what kind of friends you should have, what you should wear or what you can do."
The first step? "Talking to someone you love or trust. Teachers, guidance counselors and doctors are well-versed in these problems," Dr. Alpert said. "If you can't talk to your parents, talk to someone you trust. That's the first step to helping yourself."
This article was provided as a public service by the Massachusetts Medical Society
to help provide information about ways to attain good health.
This article is courtesy of Lori Godin, 408.260.9996
E-mail
Lori at lgodin@pacbell.net
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