The "Secret" of Easy Parenting
When faced with a resistant child or headstrong teen, parents sometimes feel as if they were looking the other way when the manual for raising cooperative, well-behaved kids was handed out. Most of us didn't have the best parenting from our own parents, if only because parenting styles and objectives change as the world changes.
Life is busier and far more complex than in earlier times. Although we may not work as hard, physically, as past generations, we have high levels of daily stress, as we are faced with balancing multiple demands. Modern parents may feel a greater need to have children cooperate, and may have a harder time achieving "good behavior" because our children face greater pressures and stressors, just as we do.
Even so, there are some things that parents can do to increase the level of
cooperation within the family. Here, we will talk about three of those things:
1. If home is a two-parent (or two-adult) family, make sure that both authority figures agree, between themselves, upon the household rules and regulations, standards, rewards, and consequences.
2. Whatever your rules, see that you enforce them consistently.
3. Make sure that even when you're busy, you spend some positive time with your children.
When parents agree on rules, rewards, and consequences, children find the structure easier to understand, and feel more secure. Security pays off in happier, better-behaved kids. It is normal for kids to test new rules or new situations. When there are ambiguities in the rules, children will find them, and will tend to test parents by acting up. Making sure that rules are consistent, as well as consequences, makes children more cooperative, and makes arguments less inviting. Why argue if there is nothing to gain? Having consistency helps parents to enforce rules uniformly, and further discourages repeated testing.
When parents are reviewing the rules for consistency and agreement, remember that issues between the adults in the household may surface in disagreements about children’s rules, as a form of 'power struggle.' Realize that to some degree, power struggles are a normal thing, and that they may be subtle. Keeping this in mind may help you to be more open about disagreements between adults, and to make sure that they are kept separate from discussions about the children.
Enforcing rules consistently is as important as consistency in structure. When parents don't take the trouble to follow through with enforcement, this again creates ambiguity, and opens the door for kids to test, and try their power with parents. Kids can be well-behaved whether rules are strict, or lenient. The trick is that--strict or lenient--parents need to stick by the rules they establish. If enforcing a particular rule is too difficult, or too distasteful, or seems like too much trouble, you may need to re-think whether it is a necessary rule. What would happen if it was "junked?" Is there a way to revise it? When kids know the rules, they don't need "warnings" about the rules. It is preferable to apply a small (low-level) consequence immediately when a child breaks a rule. Don't
make it a pattern to warn a child (that he is about to break a rule) before you apply a consequence, or you'll set a behavioral precedent. In effect, you'll demonstrate to the child that he can safely break a rule until he has been warned once, and then the rule will be enforced. Again, this creates ambiguity, and makes more work for parents.Kids may not know (or admit) it, but they need the safety and security that rules provide. They also need positive attention from parents on a regular basis. Make sure that you take time to catch your kids doing something good, each day. It may be that you will comment on how nicely Johnny behaved during dinner. Or, you may mention how Tamra hung up her backpack in the hall (instead of dropping it just inside the door). It's best, by the way, to say, "Tamra! How nice that you hung up your backpack!" rather than saying, "Tamra. How nice that you hung up your backpack rather than dropping it in the hall, like you usually do." This last comment sounds like you're trying to get Tamra to hang up the pack every time, and reminds her that she does not. It does not acknowledge her for doing it this time.
Kids do many "right things" each day, and it is very important that we "catch" them doing some of those right things. If we only have the energy to catch them when they are doing something wrong, we are actually reinforcing (and thus encouraging) bad behavior. Catching them doing something good will help children to get attention for positive things, and reinforce the good behavior that we want them to exhibit. Just make sure that you are genuine in tone, and not patronizing.
Doing these simple things can bring about solid progress toward better behavior in your children, and can make parenting much easier.
©1999, Dee Marx-Kelly. Dee is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in San Jose. She welcomes questions or comments. She can be reached at 408.246.3525, or by e-mail at dmk@surfnetusa.com.
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