Many parents complain about the difficulty that they have in getting their children fed, dressed, and brushed in the morning before school. Many have difficulty getting their children out of bed. Others have difficulty in agreeing on what to wear. Whatever the problem, here are a few strategies that may help in smoothing out that morning routine.

First of all, the most successful strategy in the mornings for children is establishing a structured routine. They should know what is expected from them every school morning when they wake up. The routine does not need to be the same for every child, but every child needs their own routine.

Depending upon the age and gender of the child, the routine may include showering, choosing clothing, getting dressed, making their bed, making breakfast, eating breakfast, making their own lunch, brushing teeth and hair, watching television, reading, or playing. The order in which they do these things must be established and maintained. The order may depend partly on logic (i.e., picking out clothes before getting dressed) and partly on household needs (i.e., one child may be making their bed, picking out clothing, and making their lunch while another child is taking a shower). It may be necessary to try a couple of routines before determining which one works best, but then stick to it.

Another very important strategy is to accommodate your individual child’s unique characteristics. For example, if your child has trouble making decisions or takes a long time to make decisions, you may need to move the decision on what clothing to wear from the morning to the night before. If your child has trouble waking up in the morning, you may need to move several things from the morning to the night before. (It should also be noted here that your child needs adequate sleep every night in order to function at his/her very best in the morning. Consult with your pediatrician for the normal range of sleep time required for your child. Sometimes, just moving up their bedtime 30 to 60 minutes will make a big difference in the morning.) If your child has plenty of time in the morning but tends to do other things rather than getting ready for school, make time in the morning routine for something that she/he really likes to do, but only after doing the things that must be done. If you incorporate your child’s uniqueness into the nighttime and morning routines, your child will find the routine easier to adjust to, and you will find it easier to enforce.

The last strategy that will be addressed in this article is rewards and negative rewards. It may be helpful, for some period of time, to include rewards and/or negative rewards to help motivate your child to settle into a morning routine. My own inclination and preference is to use a reward system. For example, if your child completes the morning routine in a certain amount of time, you then spend five or ten minutes reading or playing with him/her before leaving for school. Another reward may be time spent together in the evening, or a special treat in her/his lunch, or a quarter a day, or any reward that your child would feel is valuable. The younger the child, the more immediate the reward needs to be. After four or five weeks of progress, you can change to weekly rewards, such as, an hour of uninterrupted time with you, getting to choose what to have for Friday night dinner, getting to have a sleep over, additional television time, some amount of money, or anything else that your child would value.

The other alternative is using negative rewards. This may be necessary if your child already has most of the things that you could think of to use as rewards. In this case, if your child does not make progress at adjusting to the routine, then one or more privileges are taken away. For example, a favorite toy may be taken away for a day or more, television time may be reduced or eliminated, no treat may be added to their lunch that day, their allowance may be reduced or eliminated, play time with friends may be reduced, or any other privilege may be reduced or eliminated. The disadvantage to using negative rewards is that it focuses you and your child on NOT accomplishing the goal and on negative behavior rather than on positive behavior. In either case, reward or negative rewards, it is essential that you follow through with the reward or negative reward. Your child must be able to count on the fact that they will experience either the reward or negative reward based upon their behavior. If this is not the case, neither approach will be effective in changing your child’s behavior.

These are a few strategies that you can utilize in attempting to smooth out rough mornings getting ready for school. However, it is important to remember that we cannot likely expect our children to behave like the VonTrapp children in The Sound of Music. Running to formation and quiet attention at the sound of a whistle or quietly and efficiently running through the morning routine without a complaint or argument with a sibling is likely to be an unrealistic expectation. A better goal may be continuing progress and learning to take on slightly more responsibility for her/himself on a monthly basis. The more realistic your goals are with respect to your child’s abilities, the more successful and happy both of you will be.

©1999, Lori Godin, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, 408.260.9996  

Lori can be e-mailed at lgodin@pacbell.net  

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