5 Requirements for a Really Good Relationship
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by Dee Ann Marx-Kelly, MA
- Note: this article discusses the requirements for a really good relationship, and suggests some things to consider as you think about your relationship.
1. Trust
Trust is an absolute cornerstone of a solid relationship. Without trust, there no safe foundation upon which to build. When trust is broken, it is hard to repair. Sometimes, broken trust cannot be repaired.
Without trust, there is no safety. Without safety, people are unlikely to invest. Without investment, there is little connection or intimacy. Trust is essential for a good sexual relationship, as well, for trust allows us to be vulnerable.
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How
do I trust my partner? Do I trust his/her honesty? Do I trust his/her ability to follow through? 
Do
I trust his/her commitment and fidelity
Do
I trust that s/he won't hurt me?-emotionally (with words or emotions)? -physically, in any way?
2. Respect
Mutual respect is necessary for a really good relationship. Whether you respect a friend or a partner (or do not respect them) can tell you a lot about your perceptions of the other person, and your beliefs about them, you, and relationship(s).
Respect means that you value the beliefs, attitudes, and actions of the other person. When you value and honor (i.e., respect) you will treat them with care and concern. People sometimes confuse fear and respect. Some people believe their children respect them, but have really taught the children to fear them. If someone respects you, they will respect you and your values even when you're not present.
Do I act respectfully toward my partner/friend/child?
Do they act respectfully toward me?
-Verbally and emotionally? Do we respect one another's boundaries?
-(not talk over each other, tune each other out, pry into diaries, and so on?
3. Mutuality
Mutuality implies that respect, trust, and so on flow both ways in the relationship. It is mutuality that allows for sharing, and for building shared goals. When there is mutuality, people can take turns being "the strong one" or the "clever one", or being the one with a shoulder to cry on...or being the one who needs a shoulder to cry on.
Am I as comfortable being the "one who needs a shoulder" as being the "strong one"?
4. Equality
Equality doesn't require that men stay home and do childcare, or that women take jobs as construction laborers. Equality means that there is a balance in goals, resources, and the decision-making process that validates the needs and preferences of both parties in the relationship. When disagreements happen, they are resolved by cooperation, compromise, and consensus, rather than power or control. Equality means that the needs of both parties are considered, and are met, as fairly as possible.
Equality is important because most people are not willing to live life as "second class citizens"--especially in their important relationships. Without equality the person who is treated as "less than" will shut down and distance emotionally. This distancing process is often unintentional and unconscious.
Children are not equal partners in relationship with parents--they cannot be given equal responsibility, or equal power to make decisions. However, as they mature, it is appropriate to give both more responsibility, and when that is handled well, more privilege. With increased responsibility and privilege comes greater equality. This progression continues until, at adulthood, they are equal (when able to be self-sufficient). Children's needs in their relationships with parents are not for equality, but are for structure (which includes discipline), connection, support, affection, attention, and validation.
Are the needs of both parties met in my significant relationships?
5. Love
In the strictest sense, love is probably not a necessary requirement (for "romantic" relationships, but it is a pleasant one and a practical one. We humans find it easy to love when there is respect, mutuality, equality, and trust. If these qualities are present, love will usually follow. If one does not feel "love", it may be that the other qualities aren't really present, and that you are seeing things through rose-colored glasses.
Love IS a requirement of our relationships with our children--children need unconditional love to grow a healthy sense of self, and to thrive. Unconditional love is not the same as having no limits. Unconditional love means that you separate the child from his/her inappropriate actions, and use consequences to limit the negative behaviors. Unconditional love does not mean that you need to always feel happy towards your child--you'll feel unhappy, or angry, or disappointed, or frustrated, et cetera, depending on how your child behaves. However, it does mean that you recognize that while you love your child, you dislike or are disappointed in his/her behavior. You can tell your child that you feel this way. "I love you, Nicky, but I don't like the way you spoke to your sister (or, 'the fact that you didn't do your chore without my reminding you.')".
Do my loved ones know that I love them?
Do I act lovingly towards them?
© 2000, Dee Marx-Kelly. Dee Marx-Kelly is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in San Jose. She welcomes questions or comments. She can be reached at 408.246.3525, or by e-mail at dmk@surfnetusa.com.
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