by Dee Marx-Kelly
408-246-3525
Since the invention of the birth control pill and improvements in the IUD, we have unprecedented control over when to have children, or whether we shall have children. Men and women often postpone marriage, and children, compared to people in past generations. People have more choices and options, and may choose to complete schooling, or to get started in a career before having children. Most of these are issues of personal choice.
So, what should you consider when you are making the decision if you're now ready to have a baby? Below is a checklist of things you might want to consider in deciding if you're really ready:
Are we agreed that we both want children?
If one of you does not want children, this is certainly an issue to resolve before getting pregnant. Most partners will feel betrayed if you 'create' a pregnancy (either by persuading her that it won't hurt if you don't use the diaphragm just this one time, or 'forgetting' on purpose to take your pills). Since parenting is a big responsibility, it is a really bad idea to start a pregnancy based on coercion or dishonesty.
Do we both agree that this is a good time to have a child?
Have you discussed financial considerations, work responsibilities, how you'll manage work and childcare? Can you afford a child at this time? Or, do you need to set a financial savings goal before you decide to become pregnant. If you aren't financially fit, but "just can't wait" you may want to talk this over with someone supportive, or a counselor, to get these feelings under control. Babies are expensive, and chances are that it will be more expensive that you can estimate.
Do we agree on childcare responsibilities?
Have you discussed how you will share parenting
responsibilities? Not only is this important to the health of your relationship,
and the well being of a new mother, but a good connection with Dad is really
beneficial for the baby as well. For example, you can take turns getting up with
the new baby at night. If Mom breast-feeds, Dad can still change the diaper, and
bring Mom the baby. This is another area where you can benefit from discussion
with a pastor, rabbi, a trusted friend or a counselor if you're having trouble
reaching agreements.
Have you compared your ideas about child rearing and discipline?
It's a great idea to compare your childhood experiences of discipline, and come to agreements about how to raise your children. Agreement between parents is really important in order for children to get consistent messages about rules and consequences. Although you won't be setting "rules" for the first year or two, it's important that you're both on the same page about child rearing.
Are you both realistic and aware of child developmental issues?
Child abuse--such as shaking a baby, or punishing a one-year-old--doesn't stem from cruelty on the part of parents, as much as it does lack of understanding of children's needs and abilities, and the misinterpretation of what a baby or toddler's misbehavior means. Babies cry when they are in pain, or hungry, or uncomfortable. Babies are not acting "spoiled" by crying, and are not trying to control you. They are not capable of understanding such a concept. They only know that they feel better when held and comforted, when they are cuddled, fed, or diapered.
According to pediatric specialist T. Berry Brazelton, babies are not neurologically ready to sleep through the night until 4 months of age. Young children (prior to age 2) are often incapable of bladder or bowel control on a truly consistent basis. Yes, some children are trainable early, but emotional damage may be done to those who are not ready, and who are pushed to be toilet trained before they are ready.
If your partner is unaware of these kind of issues, you'll both want to read up and compare ideas about parenting infants and small children. There are pre-parenting classes that you can attend prior to the child's birth, and books and classes for parents of infants, babies, toddlers, and children.
Do you both agree how you'll access and decide
upon childcare?
There are books and articles on choosing childcare, and friends can be of help in determining how to choose a safe childcare situation.
Are you in agreement about how long Mom will stay home? Or when she will return to work?
If one of you assumes she will return to work when the child is 6 weeks old, or 6 months old, and the other thinks it will be when the child is 6 years, or 16 years old, these are issues to discuss and resolve.
Have you resolved any major issues between the
two of you?
The old fashioned idea that a baby will fix a marriage doesn't work any better now than it used to. The wonderful feelings that most of us experience when we hold our newborn infants will fade quickly with the stress of sleepless nights and the inevitable amount of crying that even a 'good' baby will do. If the two of you are having trouble, this is not the time to become pregnant. Consider counseling to see if you can resolve your issues, and give your marriage a solid base for parenting. This could be with a licensed professional, or could be pastoral counseling.
Certainly, this list of issues to consider, discuss, and resolve is not all-inclusive, but may be a starting point for your own examination of the issues.
Dee Marx-Kelly, is a Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist. She welcomes questions or comments, and can be reached at
408-246-3525. E-mail her at dmk@surfnetusa.com
or click the mailbox link: 
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© 2000, Dee Marx-Kelly